Breathe Deep
by DeepSeaFanglyFish
Summary: Remus gets a letter from Sirius during the summer of '76 that makes him question everything until he finds himself at the edge of something new and exciting. A crappy description really because it's just 6,000 words of fluff.


_Til we stand at the edge  
Of a hole in the ground  
We hold hands and we jump  
And as we fall we sing_

* * *

It is the second week of July in '76 when Remus sees an owl at the kitchen window. He is sitting at the table with his mother and his father, who are trying very hard to be the perfect image of perfect parents, his father with a newspaper and his mother with an apron and neither of them liking this arrangement very much. There is a plate of french toast in the middle of the table, though Remus isn't very hungry considering the fact that he is just recovering from a transformation, and his mother carefully cuts a slice into perfectly measured squares. His father turns the page of the newspaper, but he's barely had time to read the headlines since the last time the paper crinkled.

He seems to be the only one who notices, though, so he puts his fork down and walks towards the window, tugging it open. The owl flutters in and lands on the faucet, holding its letter out to Remus, who takes it, glancing at his name in Sirius' messy script on the front of the envelope. "For me?" he asks, his voice sounding a bit too high.

The owl ruffles its feathers affirmatively before rising back up into the air and moving out through the window. So Sirius doesn't want a reply. He stares at his name on the rumpled envelope curiously.

"Remus?" his mother asks, "Who's it from?"

"Sirius," he says, settling back down into his seat. He carefully peels the flap of the envelope up and, pulling out the long letter, he begins to read.

_Moony,_

_How's your summer going? James' house is already proving to be a much better place to spend the summer holidays than the lovely Horrible and Most Evil House of Black. His mum is treating me like I'm her own son. Or rather, like she treats James. Not like how my adoring mother treats her own son._

_Despite the home cooked meals and chores she hasn't hesitated to give me, I've had time to miss you! Yes, dearest Moony, that was an exclamation point, because I _really_ miss you._

_Which I wanted to talk to you about. I mean, write to you about. I don't really miss Pete, and although I would've probably begun to miss James by now were he not already leaving his disgusting dirty socks on my bedroom floor every day, I wouldn't have missed him the way I missed you, and I realized this around Christmas time. I guess it's not easy to tell you, so I didn't, and instead I waited until you would have time to think about it before you had to see me because I'm the biggest coward in Gryffindor._

_Basically I'm a big poof (which I'm sure everyone is shocked about- I know, I know, I have tried to hide it. The masses of birds who would take their own lives at the news- it'd be a tragedy, it would). This was pretty hard to figure out and I struggled with it for a while and all but in the end, blokes are really what do it for me, which is great and all but._

_Okay. Moony. I am pretty bloody certain that I fancy you. You know, in the thinking that the sun rises and sets with you, watching your every move, thinking about you while I fall asleep kind of completely poncy fancy. And I just felt like it was somehow wrong to hide it from you, 'cause you sleep in the same room as me most of the time and whatnot, but you know. I get that you're not quite the shirt-lifter that I am, and I don't expect you to write to me with some long love declaration or anything, just. Think it over for a while, because it would be awfully crappy if something like this got between us._

_ Unusually serious,_

_ Sirius_

"Are you okay?" his mother asks, glancing up from her breakfast. "You look awfully pale. Is Sirius okay?"

"Yeah, he's um... he's okay."

Remus feels as though thoughts were hurling themselves full-force against his skull. _Sirius? Gay? Fancy? Him?_

"I think I'm gonna go write back," he lies, putting his plate in the sink absent-mindedly. He trudges up to his room, letter clutched in his hand, and barely notices himself opening the door and lying down on his back.

Sirius is _Sirius_, and Remus is _Remus,_ and he has never questioned either of these things, especially his own sexuality. It seems silly to do so when you've never had a relationship with either gender, but he doubts Sirius has ever really had a relationship with another guy, and he had no problem coming to the conclusion that he was into men. Remus doesn't know what to make of this, and it's only been five minutes since he's read the letter, but the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he's attracted to Sirius. Sirius and he have always had a much more fluid relationship than any of the other intra-Marauder friendships. They've always told each other everything, and Sirius' eyes have always twinkled while they talked, and they've both always smiled at each other, and they've both always forgiven each other much quicker than anyone else.

It is not until he has a dream five days later of Sirius and himself snogging and wakes up with a raging hard-on that he realizes he very well might fancy Sirius right back. The thought is quite terrifying, and it tortures him through a long, cold shower and a horribly slow breakfast. When he is finally excused, he scribbles out a quick note to James on a spare piece of parchment:

_Prongs,_

_Sirius sent me a letter and it said something a bit, er, off, and I really would like to see him and talk to him about it. Could I come over today? Just floo me back._

_Ever worrying about the dumb mutt,_

_Remus_

He sends it with his father's owl with a speed that makes his mother suspicious, but he doesn't get a floo call until 3 hours of fidgeting on the sofa in front of the fire, wishing the old owl could fly faster, have passed. The fire turns bright green, and James' head pokes through.

"My mum says it's no problem," he says. "Come on through."

Remus follows the instructions hurriedly. James' head disappears, and he tosses a small handful more of floo powder in before stepping over the flames and saying, quite clearly, "Potter Manor."

James' living room is spotless, and James is sitting on the couch with an amused smile on his face.

"Hey," he greets.

"Hi," James answers. "He's in the shower right now. We just had breakfast and I told him I'd take him back to those muggle thrift stores he loves so much."

"It's 11 o'clock."

"Yeah, I know, mate. It's way too early for anyone to be that happy about some used clothes. You can head up, though. Wait for him to finish."

"Thanks," Remus says, too preoccupied to be too bothered about James and Sirius' horrid sleep schedule, and he does just that. The water has already shut in the shower, and he walks towards the door at the end of the hall. He can hear the sounds of fabric moving and Sirius humming as he dresses through the door. The thought of Sirius toweling himself off is disturbingly appealing to him. He fidgets uncomfortably as he listens to Sirius wiggle into jeans and zip them up. He feels as if he is standing at the precipice of something huge, and listening to Sirius' belt jingle, he is looking down into a metaphorical hole, poised to jump. He can't decide if he'd rather be able to see the bottom or not.

When he eventually steps out, it's such a shock to Remus that he finds himself leaning against the wall to keep from falling over. How Sirius has managed to dig up such a nice leather jacket in a thrift shop is beyond Remus, but, along with the tight jeans that hug his ass like they were made for him, he's certainly not going to question it. He drags his eyes back up to Sirius' face and finds his clear gray eyes wide in shock.

"Remus," he manages.

"Hey," he says. "I, um... wanted to talk to you."

"What are you- when did-?"

"Stop thinking so hard," he scolds with a grin. "You'll hurt yourself. Show me your room."

Sirius' eyes darken and Remus blushes in response as he's led down the hallway. They pass a room that, messy and large and filled with framed pictures of the four of them, is obviously James', but the door Sirius pushes open leads to a room that is much darker. Unlike James' room, lined with gold and red, this room has drawn gray curtains and plain blue bedding. There's two picture frames on his beside table. One, with a lion roaring silently in one corner of the shining red wooden frame, is obviously stolen from James' room, while another, stuffed into a new-looking plain frame, has obviously been provided by Sirius himself. When Remus squints, he can tell from the doorway that it's a picture of himself and Sirius. His heart swells with affection at the sight.

"Ha, that's not awkward," Sirius says with a nervous smile as he turns the frame around.

"No, it's... Sirius."

"Serious?"

Remus groans, leaning against the door frame. "Can we try and make this the least horrible we can?" Sirius' eyes freeze in fear, and Remus stands up straight again. "No, that didn't help," he concludes, stepping into the room. "Listen. Sit. We're gonna talk."

"Moony-" he begins, still looking slightly horrified as he climbs onto the bed.

"Shh." He hesitates, then shuts the door and settles himself across from Sirius. "Listen-"

"I'm sorry-"

"No, don't be," he says, raising his eyebrows. "I-"

"Remus-"

"Stop," he says, laughing now. "Calm down, because I am trying so hard to be calm and if you're not calm then I'm not going to be calm either and if neither of us are calm, this-"

"Moony, you didn't have to come."

"Except I did, because you try getting a letter like that and sitting at home for two months."

"I would've talked to you again before term started."

"That's not the point."

"Okay, well... do you mind if I ask what is?"

"You don't want me here," Remus says suddenly, and he hadn't even thought of it. Sirius had waited until he wasn't going to see Remus to send the letter on purpose, hadn't he? Maybe he wasn't just afraid of rejection.

"No," Sirius says adamantly, despite the confused look on his face. "No, of course I do. I just... don't want to hear what you're going to say, I don't think."

"Listen, I think I feel the same way."

Sirius blinks at him. "Come again?" he asks, his voice flat.

"Really," he says. "I just- you know. I don't know, but it makes sense."

"You're not gay."

"I don't know. Maybe I am."

"Remus-"

"No, listen. I've been thinking about it and- I've never had a boyfriend, but I've never had a girlfriend either. So what do I know?"

Sirius looks at him for a long moment. He fidgets uncomfortably. "I don't want you to say that... you know. Don't say it just because you want to make me happy. I know you, and I know you do stuff like that, but it's not fair to either of us."

Remus doesn't think he's seen Sirius this vulnerable since December, when he'd had to come to James' house two days after his transformation to console a well-bruised Sirius, who hadn't gotten out of bed for three days after arriving. "Of course not," he says. "I might not be Sirius Black, but I'm not an idiot either."

"Was that flirting?" he jokes, a small grin tugging at the corner of his lips.

"No. Maybe? What makes you think I know how to flirt?"

Sirius watches him for a moment and then laughs so suddenly he snorts, which makes both of them laugh, but Sirius stops abruptly and looks at him so intensely that he stops, too.

"I'm going to kiss you," he says, his eyes burning, "and then you're going to know."

"How?"

"You'll _know_," he says, his voice so low and thick that Remus' spine tingles, and then his eyes flutter closed and Sirius' lips are against his, and _God_, does he know. He feels the kiss in every inch of his body, even the bits he never notices, or the spots he doesn't like, and he can feel himself light up. He feels like a dusty lamp that has been sitting in the corner and someone has just decided to plug him in after sixteen years. There are sparks in his fingertips and behind his knees and in his toes and wrists and elbows and especially along the back of his neck, and then there is fire along his thigh when Sirius rests his hand there.

"Shit," Sirius rasps, pulling away with a gasp.

"Yeah," Remus says, his pulse racing. It is not until now that he notices the sweat on his palms or the adrenaline-induced _thump-thump-thump-thump_ of his heart.

"You know?"

"_Yeah_," he says, laughing under his breath.

"So..."

"Is it _always_ like that?"

"No," he admits with a nervous smile. "But I don't know. Maybe 'cause..."

"What?"

"'Cause I love you and all. Platonically, I mean. For now. But still. And I have a big poncy crush on you."

"In other words because you've never kissed someone you care about before."

"Sirius Black doesn't _care_."

"Sirius Black is a poof and just told one of his best mates that he loves him, however platonic the feeling may be."

"Don't be a git, Moony. S'always been different with you."

"You care."

"About you, you mean? How many illegal things have I done for you again?"

"Are we talking felonies? Or just misdemeanors?"

He laughs, giving Remus' leg a squeeze before standing up. "Come with me and James."

"To the thrift store?"

"Yeah. It's bloody _brilliant,_ Moony. They have books, too."

"Well, that's all the convincing I need," he says with a grin, standing up.

Sirius pauses, watching Remus as he thinks. Finally, he says. "Do you...What do you want to do? About this and all."

"Well. What do you think?"

"Moony, I... I want whatever you do."

"What I want is to not ruin our friendship. No matter how cheesy that is."

"No, I get that. So do you think we should just ignore it?"

"No," he says. "Definitely not. But, you know. You don't, er, have the best track record."

"I swear to God I will really try not to be a complete arse."

Remus grins softly. "You don't believe in God, but I guess I'll take it."

"Really? So..."

"So you know," He answers, reaching for Sirius' hand. "Not too sappy, now."

"I have waited six bloody months, Moony."

"For me to turn into a girl? Keep waiting."

"I definitely don't want that," he says, grinning. "The last thing I want is a girlfriend."

"Are you attempting to subtly convey something to me?"

"_Yes,_ actually, Moony."

It takes Remus a moment of gathering up the courage before he steps forward and kisses Sirius, and if the second time is any indication, then he has his answer, and yes, it is always like that, because he feels like his whole body has been turned into Jello, but it's kind of like electrified Jello, so it's not bad, really. He pulls away before he won't be able to stop himself. "Of course," he breathes out. "I'll be your big poofy boyfriend. As long as you stop being such a nancy."

"Think I'm a bad influence on you, Moony."

"Oh, quite possibly. You did turn me gay."

"My greatest achievement to date."

"Let's go," Remus answers, tugging Sirius' hand into his. "James is waiting, you know. Does he know?"

"About me and my, er... affinity for cock?" he asks with a grin, pushing the door open.

"Christ, if the answer is yes, I hope you didn't word it that way."

"No. Mostly he was talking about how much he worships Evans' evil red hair and tiny tits and he asked me what I like in a girl and I was basically like, you know, when they're blokes."

"And?"

"He laughed, because I'm a comedic genius, obviously."

"I feel like you had some kind of brotherly moment of him telling you it's okay and whatnot."

"'Course not. That sounds gay."

"Oh, no, not a gay moment of discussing your bent sexuality."

"Quiet, you. I'm still more of a man than Prongs'll ever be," he jokes as they separate in order to slip down the stairs. Remus' hand feels quite empty. He marvels at the fact that until about 5 minutes ago the only other person he'd ever held hands with was his mother.

"Thanks, Pads," James answers sarcastically. "If you two are quite done shagging I'd prefer not to spend the day sitting alone in my own living room."

"You're just jealous," Sirius says, raising his eyebrows as he pulls a startled Remus against his side.

"You're kidding."

"Nope. Figured Remus would be a good low-maintenance first boyfriend. Just have to buy him chocolate once in a while and he's fine," he says with enough of a teasing lilt to his voice to make both of the other boys smile.

"Sirius, need I remind you that _I am a literal werewolf_?"

"A very cute one at that. Let's go, Prongs."

The three of them, James with a mixed look of horror and humor, and Sirius and Remus both with distinct Sirius and Remus expressions of joy, floo into the Leaky Cauldron, and then head into muggle London, where the streets are hot and packed full.

"You must be dying in that leather jacket."

"S'got cooling charms inside," Sirius says, beaming. "It was James' idea. Brilliant, huh?"

"You do look a bit like a tosser wearing it in July, but I guess."

"You're wearing long sleeves."

"I've got a bloody werewolf bite on my arm."

"I don't mind."

"I hate you a bit," Remus tells him with a grin.

"Oi! Stop flirting, you two."

Sirius snickers under his breath and reaches for Remus' hand to pull him into the shop.

The day winds up being a lovely mix of awkward moments and smiles too bright to hide. They manage to keep James from feeling like a third wheel despite Sirius' constant attempts to get his hands all over Remus and Remus' constant attempts to keep this from happening. Sirius finds a poster of David Bowie and Remus and James end up being dragged into a cosmetics store, where Sirius buys a stick of black eyeliner. Remus almost has a heart attack at the idea of him wearing it. They get dinner at a cute little muggle diner that Remus rather likes, but unfortunately will never be able to return to due to James and Sirius' awkward questions about muggle life that has the waitress assuming that they're certifiably insane. It isn't until they are leaving the small restaurant that James shuffles his feet and looks at them.

"Figure you idiots should spend some time together alone with the way you've been acting all night. I'll head home, alright? Just floo back when you're, er, done. Not too late, mind. My dad's got work tomorrow and you're likely to wake him up."

"Okay," Sirius says softly, and Remus realizes this is one of those moments of brotherly affection, and he feels a bit like he is intruding, only Sirius' hand is gripping his so tightly that he can't get away to give them a little space. "Thanks."

"Mmh. You staying tonight?" he asks Remus.

"Yeah," he says. "If that's alright."

"'Course," he says, smiling. "Don't have too much fun, kids."

"Har har," Sirius says to James' retreating form, which shakes a bit with laughter. "Acts like we're gonna start shagging the second he leaves."

"Was two seconds from it when you put that eyeliner on."

"Really?" he asks with a smile. "Bet you like the jacket, too."

"Of course," he says. "You're fucking killing me dressed like that, do you know?"

Sirius makes a small whimpering sound that shoots straight through Remus. "Come on," he says, tugging Remus' arm as he jogs up the street. "There's a little alley next to this coffee shop."

"You're so romantic."

He huffs out a laugh. "You did tell me to stop being a nancy," he defends, tugging Remus between two buildings. "I think people apparate into this alley sometimes but it's good for snogging too."

"Someone's gonna show up and find us," he says, allowing himself to be pulled against Sirius' body, and then once he's there, it's a losing battle, really; Sirius wasn't kidding about the cooling charms on the jacket, and so the embrace is a strange mix of unnatural coolness and Sirius' body warmth, but it pulls him in anyway, and besides, Sirius' eyes are open in a way Remus hasn't seen them in god knows how long, and he can feel Sirius' breath hitting his face.

"Live a little, Lupin," he jokes, and then he leans in and kisses him.

Even during a third identically brilliant kiss, Remus still has trouble believing that it's like that every time. He wonders, idly, how anyone ever gets anything else done. Sirius' tongue swipes gently at his lower lip, and he parts them without thinking. Kissing Sirius is, of course, completely different from kissing a girl, not that he has much experience with either. Kissing Sirius means rough skin and firm hand and a little bit of teeth, even. Sirius kisses the way he does everything else, really, Remus thinks.

His whole body is over-sensitized, and he's acutely aware of every move Sirius makes and every breath he takes. When Sirius' hands fall onto his hips in an effort to pull him even closer, he thinks he might genuinely pass out from the sensory overload.

"I can't believe I used to think I was straight," he says, kissing Remus' jaw.

"Nothing is particularly believable to me at the moment," Remus answers, craning him neck up as Sirius' lips trail down. "Fuck," he groans as Sirius' teeth graze his collarbone.

"Stop cursing so much, Prefect Lupin."

"You like it, don't you?" he jokes. "Like I like the eyeliner."

"And, apparently, when I bite you here," he adds, and he swipes his tongue over the spot he has just learned is quite sensitive before biting down.

"Too hard," he says, but then he moans, and Sirius pulls away shaking with laughter.

"Are you a closet masochist?"

"Alright," he says, pushing Sirius off of him. "Think it might be time to go back."

"Want me to spank you, Moony? I bet you'd love that. Your lovely arse'd go all red..."

"Christ," Remus says, sliding down the wall when he legs give out. "Give a bloke time to get used to being gay before you start in with the dirty talk."

Sirius sits down next to him, smiling goofily as he buries his head in Remus' shoulder. "Sorry," he says, but he doesn't mean it. "Cute when you're all flustered," he mumbles.

"Ponce."

"Well, yeah."

Remus laughs and then turns, nudging his nose into Sirius' head until he finally looks up. "You should've said something earlier."

"About how I'm a ponce?"

"Well, yes. And the finer details."

"About how I'm a ponce for you?"

"Mmh."

"S'not exactly an easy thing to tell a bloke, Moony. Especially one you think is straight and is your best mate."

"One of your best mates."

"Prongs is my brother," he says. "He doesn't count. You're like... well, different. You know. We've always been a bit poncy together."

"Thanks."

Sirius chuckles, and they're so close that, once again, he can feel Sirius' breath hit his face, and suddenly his jeans are uncomfortably tight. "You're so cute, you know? Only you don't."

"Alright," he says, standing up. "Don't think we should've let you have that Long Island Iced Tea with dinner."

"Muggle drinks are brilliant," he answers, standing up as well. Remus slips his hand into Sirius' as they blend back in with the crowd on the sidewalk.

"You're never allowed to go to the States, either," he says.

"No interest," Sirius says. "Other than maybe to see Bowie."

"Your obsession with Bowie kind of makes you a stereotypical poofter."

"Yet my leather jacket screams straight."

"And your eyeliner?"

"Oi, I'm holding hands with another bloke. What do you want from my life?"

Remus laughs, then, as they duck back into the Leaky Cauldron. "A good snog, I suppose."

"You using me, Moony? Gonna shag me once and then be gone when I wake up?"

"I'm going to have to ask you to believe me when I say that those were not my intentions on the grounds that I wouldn't even know how to shag you, which really is quite pitiful. I think you might have to give me some gay lessons or something."

"Sounds hot," Sirius answers with a wink, and Remus feels his cheeks heat up as Sirius steps into the fireplace and disappears, still grinning. He follows him after a moment, feeling rather hysterical about the whole idea of suddenly being extremely attracted to his best friend.

When he shows up in the Potter's living room and steps out of the fireplace, brushing dust from his jeans, James is curled up on the couch with a quidditch magazine and Sirius is sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch.

"Hello, Remus," he hears, and his head snaps towards Mrs. Potter in the doorway. She's smiling easily, as if her adoptive son didn't just snog him in an alley and then bring him back home, which she doesn't know about, he supposes, but she must know about the gay thing. "James told me you're staying over?"

"If it's not too much trouble," he says politely.

"Of course not," she answers. "Make yourself at home. Go to bed soon, though, alright, James? Your father has to get up early tomorrow morning."

"I know. Night mum."

"Night Mrs. Potter!" Sirius adds, smiling like a little kid. Remus finds it rather adorable.

"Night, Sirius," she says with a smile, and then she shuts the kitchen light with her wand and begins walking upstairs, calling something to James' dad when she's barely out of earshot.

"My own mum loves him more than me," James grumbles, sitting up and closing his magazine.

"To be fair," Sirius answers, "Have you seen me?"

"'Least she has to keep me around. Not getting any grandchildren out of you, in any case."

"The thought of either of you raising a child makes me fear for the future of the human race," Remus interrupts as James leads them upstairs.

"You're just upset that you can't have my babies, Moonykins."

"Christ, Remus, I'm sorry about him... we don't have a spare room besides Sirius'. We're having another one worked on downstairs but you have to file permits for the charms and it takes time and such... but I mean, you can sleep in my room. S'better than listening to that nutter, I'm sure."

"Sod off, Potter. I'm his boyfriend."

"A decision I am quite beginning to regret, Pads."

"Come with me," he says, tugging Remus' hand. "Night, Prongs!"

"No shagging in my parents' house!"

"No promises!" Sirius calls back down the hall, and Remus blushes despite knowing full well that it's a joke. "I've got to tell you about that, too."

"I've got a general idea- about, you know, where the bits go and-"

"Your face is red as a tomato, do you know?" he asks with a grin as he opens the door to his room.

"Not everyone can be quite as shameless as you."

"Mmh," he says, shutting the door. "But I have books," he adds, going down to his knees to dig around under the bed until he comes up with a book. "S'got some lovely diagrams."

"Lovely."

"Yes, quite," he says, climbing onto the bed. He pats the spot next to him, and Remus instinctively wiggles up against his side, his skin lighting up where they touch. He's beginning to seriously think that he might never get used to it, and that that might be what all of the fuss is about. "So it's like, you know," he says, opening the book. "Obviously your arse- or, well, maybe mine. But yeah. And then there's other stuff, like you have to stretch it first," he says, flipping a few pages, and there are some drawings that Remus would really rather not see. "It's supposed to feel really good once you get used to it- I mean, of course, otherwise no one would do it."

"Has anyone ever told you what an articulate teacher you are, Pads?"

"Your face is still bright red," he answers half-heartedly, kissing the corner of Remus' mouth. "You know how you like my eyeliner?"

"Yeah?"

"I like it when you blush."

"I'm not _blushing_."

"Like hell you're not."

"Well, it's a lot to take in."

"That's what she said."

Remus snickers despite himself. "I think 'he' said would be more appropriate, really."

"Perhaps. Especially if the 'he' in question is you."

"It's a bit weird for you to think of things I might say to other blokes while we're together, but okay."

"Is that a slight on my manhood? Because you haven't even seen it yet and let me tell you..."

"We could change that."

Now it's Sirius' turn to change fifty shades redder. "Now?" he asks, his voice cracking.

"No," Remus adds, "We've got time, though. Like I told you... I'm not just in this for one shag."

"Fair enough," he says, moving one hand to Remus' hip as he kisses him. It's softer than the others, but it makes Remus' head spin in a new and equally lovely way. "Did notice the... er, effect I seemed to have on you in the alley."

"How long have we been together? 5 hours?"

"S'different, though, since it's not like we have to get to know each other, you know? The whole schedule is thrown off."

"Still," Remus says, smiling as he tugs Sirius down to the mattress. "I'm not easy."

"I'm sure, Prefect Lupin."

"I may also have to read over that book first."

"There are other things we could do," Sirius answers, his voice suddenly husky, as he adjusts himself over Remus, who freezes below him when their hips brush. "In the meantime. Yeah?"

"Yeah," Remus answers without thinking. He's forgotten how to breathe momentarily.

"S'not weird? Doesn't feel weird, I mean?"

"No," Remus reassures him. "It's... good."

"Large vocabulary on you. Such a turn on." Sirius' lips begin to nibble at his collarbone, and he finds himself thrusting his hips up helplessly to meet Sirius'. "Christ. I guess you really don't think it is. I was actually worried," he says, pressing his hips to Remus', who is left to wonder how in the world Sirius is forming sentences. "Because you know. Being suddenly gay and such."

"You know how I realized that I really did feel the same way?"

"Hmm?" Sirius' lips vibrate against his neck, and he laughs before continuing.

"Woke up after having a dream about us- we were just snogging- and I was so hard. My lips were practically blue from the cold shower by the time it went away."

"Moony," Sirius groans, and his hips begin to thrust earnestly against Remus' now. "Now you know my struggles of the past six months."

"I'd've helped if I'd known," he answers. His fingers dip down Sirius' back and dig into his ass, drawing a strange noise from deep within Sirius' throat.

"This is-"

"Sirius," he manages, but then Sirius' entire length slides along his, and even through four layers of clothing they both moan.

"Nrgh?"

"Shh," he says, removing one hand from Sirius' ass, albeit reluctantly, to slip into Sirius' hair. It's quite worth the sacrifice, he thinks, when he pulls Sirius close enough to press their lips together, and it's a messy kiss, and also probably, Remus is sure, the first kiss during which he's been drooled on but also found quite enjoyable. Every ounce of stimuli is going straight to his cock, from the smell of Sirius's hair to the feel of the skin on the back of his neck to those sweet whimpering noises he's making into Remus' mouth. He doesn't think that he'd be able to stop bucking his hips up against Sirius for the life of him when Sirius bites down on his bottom lip, and he groans probably loud enough for James to hear, but he has trouble caring when Sirius twists his hips above Remus', especially with the way Sirius' hand is sliding up his shirt between them. He jumps when Sirius' fingers brush over his nipple, and Sirius has to pull away to snicker at him, which doesn't last long as Remus causes him to hiss under his breath when he squeezes his ass again. He pulls back, and his hair tickles Remus' chin.

"Fuck, Moony," he says, and Remus can only whimper unintelligibly as Sirius drops his head to nibble at his neck, fingers still dancing over Remus' chest.

"Sirius," he whimpers quite pathetically, and then they both thrust into each other at the same time, their arousals colliding so roughly through thick jeans that Remus might've found it painful, but instead it makes him come, and then he definitely cannot help himself as he cries Sirius' name, his hips thudding messily against Sirius' as he hears his own name being called back to him.

The moment afterward is a hazy dream. It is like electricity, he thinks lazily. The whole thing is, really, and it's not like he's never gotten off on his own before. That's good too, of course, but with Sirius... it's like lightening. He feels like he's been struck by lightening, only instead of being singed he's just grinning and satisfied and also a little sticky. He recovers first, though, the satisfaction slipping into tiredness, and he rolls them over and then grabs Sirius' hand. Sirius, he discovers, grinning, still refuses to open his eyes, so he dips down to kiss his neck.

"Remus," he simply mumbles, giving his hand a squeeze. "_Shit_."

He laughs against his boyfriend's neck, and then he does it again, if only because the thought that it is his _boyfriend's_ neck is so lovely and so terrifying that he wants to think it again. "Yeah."

"That wasn't even- but it was-"

"Yeah."

"I've had _blow jobs_ and they weren't like-"

Remus snorts. "From who?"

"Well... a girl."

"Mmh."

"That was the sassiest 'mmh' I've ever heard," Sirius tells him, chuckling into his hair. His hand wanders absently under Remus' shirt and up his back, and Remus shivers.

"You're lovely," Remus tells him sleepily, watching their hands as Sirius runs the pad of his thumb over the back of Remus' knuckles.

"And you're really tired, apparently."

"Mmh. But you know. Not to stroke your ego."

"Thank you," Sirius says, nudging Remus' earlobe with his nose.

"This was one of your better ideas."

"The rutting against each other like dogs thing? Or the gay thing?"

"The gay thing mostly, but I didn't mind the rutting either."

"No, the rutting was quite nice."

"I feel kinda gross now though."

"Yeah? Slutty gross or-"

"No, you wanker."

Sirius laughs, and Remus really can't help but smile, either, because everything about Sirius is infectious. "Go take a shower, then. I'm not holding you prisoner."

"Can't move."

"Get up, you lazy lump."

"No," he whines. "You've turned my knees to rubber."

"Christ. You're ridiculous. That's coming from me, Moony. Do you know how far you've gone when Sirius Black tells you you're ridiculous?"

"Too far," he answers miserably, sitting up. "You're gonna have to lend me clothes."

"Or you could sleep naked," he answers as he gets up. Remus grins as he watches him dig through his drawers, feeling his heart swell in his chest. Sirius' hair is too long, but now it's all over the place, so it looks messier than he's ever seen it. His shirt is translucent with sweat, and Remus has a suddenly strong urge to go up behind him and lick the drop sliding down the back of his neck, but he can't bring himself to move. "Everything's gonna be too big on you."

"S'okay," he says. "You're pretty twiggy yourself."

"I'm solid muscle."

"Right."

"Here," he says, tossing Remus a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. "You ingrate. First he asks to borrow my pants, then he makes fun of my body..."

"Awh, but I like your bony body," he says, standing up to pull Sirius in for a quick kiss. "Especially your bony arse."

"Go take a shower," he says. "Or we're gonna end up doing that again."

"What a tragedy that'd be."

"Right? I'm tired," he says, flopping onto the bed. "Now off with you, Moony. Towels are in the closet next to the door in the bathroom. Don't wake me up when you come back."

Remus watches him bury his head in the pillow for a moment, and when he finds himself grinning like a fool he forces himself to open the door, and even as he leaves for the bathroom, he expects Sirius will be up waiting for him when he gets back, and not just tonight, either.

That changes everything, he realizes, and he has to take a moment, leaning against the wall, to take a deep breath. He is alone for the first time since this morning, and it sinks in now, what they've decided to do, the way Sirius grabbed his hand and they just jumped, and with the way Sirius was kissing him just moments ago, he can't see how the ground could ever be in sight again.

* * *

Title, epigraph, and hole metaphor are all completely stolen from Beautiful Gas Mask by the Mountain Goats, which is a song that absolutely does not fit this story at all because this is a happy story and the Mountain Goats do not write happy songs. At all.

Anyway. I haven't posted anything in a while despite having nothing but free time, so... hopefully I'll get some more stuff up. I have a bunch of crappy one-shots like this and the idea for a multi-chapter thing? But I'm still not sure about that. I'm also teaching myself to write smut so that's not going well at all. Review? Tell me how crappy it is? What I should change? I need help I didn't write anything for like over a year and I think I forgot how


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